What I've Learned from Ten Brothers and Teachers
Adam Gayner, Roddy McDowell, Lucas Krump, T Callahan, Bob Conlin, Anthony David Adams, Robert Ellis, Kenyon Phillips, Noah Rainey, and James Brown on masculinity, identity and love.
I'm writing to celebrate the tenth episode of my podcast, and all of you who helped me to get this far. Thank you all for being part this journey from the beginning.
The podcast came about as another way to work with the material that I write about—subjects such as alcohol, addiction and depression… adventure, sports, and nature… identity, masculinity, fatherhood, and gender… intuition, archetypes, consciousness, and symbols… youth, San Francisco, California, and writing, and travel… love, relationships and sex.
I called this writing site DECIDE NOTHING not because I couldn't come up with a name, but because that phrase has had deep significance for me in pointing me towards my intuition. That said, the mission of the show is more specifically to honor people (not exclusively, but mostly men) who embody positive presence and who have been teachers, who I love and respect, and who I want to get to know more deeply. In short, a way to highlight men doing and being good in the world.
With that in mind, I’m going to start calling the podcast BROTHERS AND TEACHERS—and, it’s up now on all your favorite podcast platforms, including Apple podcasts, Overcast, Listen Notes, Amazon Music, Spotify, Stitcher, Tunein, etc. If you use some slightly more obscure podcast app it might take another day or two to show up, but in the meantime of course you can find everything right here!
In the first ten episodes I’ve had the great pleasure of going deeper with several men that I’ve known for a long time, and also with some new connections. The podcast has given me the container to ask some of the questions that I never had answers to, earlier in life. I’m humbled by the generosity and openness of all of these men, and each of them embody qualities that I would like to be more of.
Here’s a recap of the history so far, with ONE BIG WORD to grab your attention and a bit of what I’ve learned from each conversation.
SAFETY — E01 w/ Adam Gayner — I’ve learned a lot from Adam about quality of presence, warmth, and loving-kindness, especially in the face of deeply trying situations—and also about the hard work of making a living as a creative person. Our conversation covers safety, freedom, inviting the shadow, expression, leadership, mens work, and growth in relationship. 🤝
LOVE — E02 w/ Roddy McDowell — I’ve learned so much from Roddy about slowing down, and about being tender with myself, and with others—something that we talk about in our conversation, along with the “cloak of inadequacy,” becoming ourselves, depression, how we practice relating, how thoughts are not feelings, somatic sensing and expression, and the “periodic table of love.” ❤️
BELONGING — E03 w/ Lucas Krump — Our conversation covers disconnecting and reconnecting, relational fitness, somatic practice, what “grounded” means, the love of men, and how all men need “the blessing of acceptance and belonging.” 🗿
DISCIPLINE — E04 w/ T Callahan — I’ve been thinking about what I learned from T about discipline since we talked—which is that instead of something that we do or do not have enough of, we can recalibrate “discipline” as an accumulation of experience that results from day-to-day decisions, which eventually result in habits—and that this recasting can shift discipline from authoritarian dominance over ourselves to humility with ourselves. T also has a really fresh take on the connection between freedom and safety. T is a wizard! This one is GOLD ⭐️⭐️
PURPOSE — E05 w/ Bob Conlin — I learned a lot from hearing Bob’s story of redefining himself and his relationships with purpose, alcohol, and fatherhood. In particular that we find purpose along the way, not by being on the path, but on a good path. Bob is big, fuzzy bear of a guy who also embodies his mantra, “be a beacon of love.” ❤️
PSYCHOSIS — E06 w/ Anthony David Adams — Anthony and I have both struggled mightily with unpleasant and dangerous mental states, with relationships, and with finding our way. Watching and hearing Anthony integrate his diagnosis as his dharma—of making things medicine so as to create meaning and myth in life—is a huge teaching. ⭐️⭐️
ESSENCE — E07 w/ Robert Ellis — I refer often to many things I’ve learned from Robert, and in this episode he shared something new—the root meaning of “decide” —something I’ve always had trouble with, the difference between decisions and choices, and how they relate to discipline. More gold here ⭐️⭐️
MARRIAGE — E08 w/ Kenyon Phillips — I’ve learned a lot from Kenyon about honesty, vibrant sobriety, and more recently, about monogamy and fatherhood—and about embodying a masculinity that is kind, gentle, and open. This is a fun one! 🌵
ADVENTURE — E09 w/ Noah Rainey — As a man who is quite a bit younger than me, Noah has been an unexpected teacher. Becoming a father unexpectedly and early in life has been a crucible for him, and Noah embodies wisdom on adventure, positivity, surrender, rites of passage, and “the opportunity to struggle.” Much love here ❤️❤️
MEDITATION — E10 w/ James Brown — James has a great lesson for us in finding “everyday flow,” and also about discipline, in that the question really isn't like how disciplined you are, or how much willpower you have, but what are you a disciple to? 👁
Please consider taking this opportunity to give one of these a listen!
Something else I’ve learned in getting this far with this project is just how much work it takes to produce a show like this—and it’s worth it, to give myself and others access to the community of good men that is everywhere around us, a community that I did not have enough access to earlier in life, but that now surrounds me with its generosity, invitation, acceptance, belonging, and support. If there’s one lesson overall from all of this, it’s that there is no shortage of love amongst men, as long as we make the effort to embody and transmit it.
My goal is to bring your into contact with the most interesting people that I know, and I have a bunch of interviews coming up that I am excited to share with you: Fernando Desouches—who runs a creative agency called The New Macho, Kim Stanley Robinson—the legendary sci fi writer, novelist, and author of The High Sierra: A Love Story, Bill Maeda—middle- that is, my-aged TikTok fitness wizard, Bobby Bailey, the creator of Invisible Children and MysterySchool, certain to-be-named extreme sports demigods—and of course many others in pipeline. In the interest of some regularity and…discipline, I’m going to aim for a semi-weekly podcast schedule, with new episodes coming out every other Monday.
Thank you all for your support in helping to make my writing site and podcast a success so far. I launched DECIDE NOTHING in July of this year, and my goal is a thousand subscribers by the end of the year. I’m working on that full time, and I need your help!
If something here has landed with you, please do the social things—like, comment, review, and share an episode—or this entire update—with people you love. If this is your first time visiting, please make sure you’re signed up—and remember, paying subscribers get DECIDE NOTHING buttons!
Most of all, thanks for being here and for being part of this journey.
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I’ve got some questions for you…
What does positive presence look like to you?
Who do you hold as an example of someone that embodies positive presence?
Which of these episodes has been the most impactful to you so far?
Is there anyone that you’d like to hear interviewed on the BROTHERS AND TEACHERS podcast?