The Man Pays
The Man Pays
On not being a father, missing the boy who never was—and the bittersweet joy of being child-free.
This piece has been published in Issue 10 of Medicine and Meaning, the online literary journal of the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences.
My friend Meredith always had a knack for finding places where rent was optional. I was on one of my early trips to New York City, summer of ’97 I think, staying with her and another friend from college in a fourth-floor walkup on Second Ave near 11th—and the owner had just disappeared. Not quite a squat, like the occupied warehouses that I knew of in San Francisco and also in Italy—andiamo al centro sociale!—but nobody was paying, and when it rained it came in right through the roof. I have a photo of the three of us on a sunny spring day there in the East Village—my buddy Mark has got on a pair of Doc Marten’s and a t-shirt from the Beastie Boys first tour and, sorry to say, I’m wearing my goofy west coast Teva sandals on the streets of NYC.
…for the remainder of The Man Pays, please read here → https://medicineandmeaning.uams.edu/the-man-pays/
Further Reading
The Creation of Patriarchy, Gerda Lerner
I’m Your Huckleberry, Val Kilmer
Selfish, shallow, and self-absorbed: sixteen writers on the decision not to have kids,
The chosen lives of childfree men, Patricia W. Lunneborg
Two is enough: a couple's guide to living childless by choice, Laura S. Scott
Sex at Dawn,
The Myth of Male Power, Warren Farrell
Men's Fertility and Fatherhood: 2014
Fertility of Women in the United States: 2012
When men choose to be childless: An interpretative phenomenological analysis
Childlessness Among Men in Australia
Brief Interviews With Childfree Men
I’ve got a question for you
What’s your own relationship with parenthood, and how has it changed over time? Please comment below…
Beautiful essay, Bowen. As a 39 year old man without children, I contemplate this subject a lot. You've given me a lot to think about. Please continue your excellent writing.
I’ve had such a different experience around masculinity and Patriarchy. I’m sure it has to do with my Dad being 30 years older than Mom, the violence I witnessed by my mother toward him. The levels of complexity are staggering. I only more recently discovered that Dad wasn’t my biological father. I’m over 60 now and never had any children. My sister and two brothers never had any kids either. I’m grateful not to have had any kids. Ironically, as a psychotherapist I focus on helping children. I married late and grateful to have a loving partner in life.